"Fat" Pat Steevens is a winner folks. Always fucking has been too if you want to know GOD's own truth. Short in stature but tall in victory, Fat Pat has ever been on the forefront of achievement. From overcoming the odds and defeating Diabetes to that really hard stage in Metallica Rock band where you have to shred the solo on "Enter Sandman", it's no wonder he's the most popular merchant in town. This success isn't counted in dollars and cents though, but through his community spirit and philanthropic generosity. You can bet your American ass that when the Schwann salesman comes to the door Pat is ready to put a sizable dent in his wallet. When you forget to pay for a 20 dollar sack of ditch weed, Pat is also willing to forget, as well as forgive.

In 1985 Pat was drafted into the U.S.Marine corp age 13. No one could know what an asset he would be in the months to come. He cruised through basic and by the time he was stationed in Grenada, had achieved the rank of Sargent. The Brass had plans for this pre-teen upstart. What Los Pepe death squads couldn't achieve against Pablo Escobar in Columbia would have to be handled by Sgt. Patrick Steevens U.S.M.C. It's well known that Escobar, King of Cocaine, died in 1993 at the hands of Los Pepe death squads, but what isn't very well known is that that's a pack of fucking lies. At the time of this writing, 2009, The Freedom of Information act allows me to disclose that Pablo Emilio Escobar, was, in fact eliminated by a single man in 1986. A man who is no stranger to victory, honor, glory, Jello-shooters or death. An Escobar lookalike was installed personally by Sgt. Steevens until 1993 to maintain order and a facsimile of leadership lest the entire region crumble into chaos. After accomplishing that mission in secret and to no fanfare, Pat was immediately relocated to the Afghan border to observe weapons shipments to Russia. Once upon visiting his palatial home in south east Ohio, Pat showed me a rusted Mosin-Nagant M-44 that he kept above the mantle and fireplace. "See the hand prints impressed into the butt here?" he indicated. "This was held by a Russian soldier during the Cold War". But I was the one who was impressed. Pat doesn't talk about that time much but I suspect I'll have something to right about as soon as it becomes declassified.

After another year in Afghanistan, Lt.Col. Steevens was sent to Panama to infiltrate and capture that country's military dictator Manuel Antonio Noriega. This well known event was also disguised to exclude Pat's involvement for National security reasons but let it be said that the idea to drive Noriega out of the church where he had sought sanctuary with American Heavy Metal music was entirely Pat's idea. After the capture and imprisonment of Noriega, Pat decided that it was time for a change of life and retired with full honors from the Marine Corps. Returning to his native home of southeastern Ohio Pat settled into a life of ease and relaxation. Becoming a pillar of his community and leader of his own Air soft unit, Pat still displays the leadership skills necessary to carry any group of young men into victory and as far as this biographer is concerned, I'd follow him anywhere.